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08:07am 26/04/2010
our existence deforms the universe
12:48pm 20/04/2010
our existence deforms the universe
07:33am 07/04/2010
  i'm so disappointed in people in general. especially my "friends". i called all my distant peeps last night to catch up. i would've called Kara, but she doesn't like to talk on the phone & i didn't get reply to my message. she may never speak to me again, but she worries me. <3  
our existence deforms the universe
can we be anny greener?   
01:16pm 03/08/2009
mood: bitchy
i feel like really injuring her, if not only to shut her vile mouth but to let out the violent tension this has been causing me. first time, she sent me that message saying,"Please leave David alone." when i talked to him, he said ignore it, she's immature, etc. So, I did. it's not like i was stalking him and he told me they weren't together. this time was uncalled for and downright mean. you actually have to have forethought and hit ok or send to complete sending these mean comments to people. Saying, "You have to be worth saving, E." is an insult to me and my family. I'm not so sure that they aren't together. I don't even know. I'm out of the loop. Supposed to call him to talk about this stupid shit tonight. he's supposed to be one of the closest people to me. freinds no matter what...that's why we could never date. no regrets. no attachments. all i want right now is friend ship. talk about anything. whatever. someone backed out just like a crawfish. maybe i'll re-nickname him for personal use.

i'm engaged. part of me will always be with him. i love where i am. i love who i love. unconditionally. they know that. they also know a couple other things i'll be getting to soon.

Until then, Delight!
3 deforming thoughts| our existence deforms the universe
01:14pm 13/06/2009
  It's really hard pretending to be so strong when everyone seems to know that I'm a crumbling mess. It's not always hard to pin-point why. At least that's what I've led people to believe for almost 6 years. Yes. It's been that long. True. There have been times, in between, I understood. I waited. In the shadows. Or, not. I would be what, where, whenever you wanted me to be. I lost myself to someone claiming to want to hold on to a friendship forever rather than ever date to ruin something he knew he could never follow through with. I was totally fine with all of that considering ever since I was a child, the way my life turned out had never seemed my own. I never planned to marry at 21 or have a baby. But, my child was the only blessing I should've held onto. Being with all of that said, what does it mean when "you" say you're in a relationship? Why wasn't I ever good enough to be called your girlfriend? Was I? I don't if it would've worked, but at least I would've known you wanted me.

our existence deforms the universe
01:04am 04/06/2009
mood: depressed
I was so happy. Is it possible to have people drain the happiness right out of you? These questions I ponder alot.

I also think about ways to it be least painful to die.

Most of all, I thought I had a last forever friend. I'm sure either he's back the 21 year old or just got tired of me. Finally. He was always reassuring that he was "A no matter what friend". That's why we couldn't date. Plus, the distance. I just thought by showing how much I cared by writing him, he wouldn't think me such a horrible person for whatever reason. I needed him. I don't have T anymore since she's kicked me out of her life.

I talk to Dayna and she's really a great friend. She's solid as long as I am. I won't disappoint. I'm tired of sick.
our existence deforms the universe
07:59am 05/01/2009
mood: pessimistic
I should write back. it's been more than 2 weeks. you do that. Yes. I know. bubbles bubbles balloon fish dreams. Doesn't one wish for what one never receives. He will get his wish in writing. We can do that. But, since i know that i know there's No End just friends, paper & ink will suffice maybe forever. In my line of thinking, I try to never say never.
2 deforming thoughts| our existence deforms the universe
10:16am 09/12/2008
mood: pensive
I still miss you like gumdrops on a snow day.
Read more...Collapse )
our existence deforms the universe
01:30pm 23/10/2008
  poetry volume 2008
"The Whore: the horror

In horror & torn. Is this my skin I am in and that which I've worn, where I've been doing without knowing. Just horror, I'm going. I didn't believe or know, as it were, that I was this...that I was this scum. So, how do i fix it, make it right? I don't know, always lost and I've been up all night. Not thinking, but...now all I think of is how...Why would this be....how could such a horror be me..."

I found this in the back of one of my written journals.
our existence deforms the universe
No End   
02:27am 04/04/2006
  No End

Some things end before their chance to begin
Nothing is nothing
Even between friends being
frivolous never seeing the end

It never comes fast.
Not with us, because it's lasting
Sorry as sorry is.
Friends never cease.
It's the level that decreases.

All these choices within these voices.
And, screams in my head.
Should the sound annoy or the echo they bring.
Or, should they play coy like notes that are muffled.
And, I forget fully.
I'm not the only one.
Zero, Zilch, void, null.
The soul aches for reason.
But, my true heart won't budge.
For this reason and that one, plus the other, too.

I'd like to be in your shoes.
Give anything.
Inside now the songs aren't clear.
At least, not with delirium in my head.
The songs keep repeating.
They want the voices dead.

But, the end will never come.
Not with us, "just not the one"
Be happy friendship will never cease.
Only the level will decrease.
Decrescendo in hopes of Crescendo again.

This is a book with no end.
our existence deforms the universe
she's still here...   
01:03pm 27/10/2005
mood: cold
so. this is me on a turbulent day. nothing left. But, the Lizzies come out to play. watering hoses. watering horsies.. not so bad in the middle of the storm with windows tapered so the light from the bolts make that awesome color again. she said i wasn't enough. i told her to screw off. my hands are tied, but rubbed with the lotion smelling of lavender, so soft. minds do race, but can i just erase her from my mind. she says she'll never go away and i guess that's fine with me. everyone needs another voice to tell them when they can let go. now, to take over. i'm afraid you'll have to make your appointments sparse in that case. jelly donuts aren't my favorite, but when you come around things become so different. it's spent. it's twisted and bent. no more no more. and a free wash at the local carwash was a sham. left bugs that buzz and dirt thats dingy. but, oh well, i say. such is life. i know she's here. she's waiting. and, i have to go now.
our existence deforms the universe
06:47pm 10/05/2005
  decisively undecisive.

mmmhmmm. when the shoe fits...
our existence deforms the universe
06:40pm 10/05/2005
  i may be using this lj more often for a little while. maybe. i dunno. i'm getting closed in and want less people in my bidnass.

i really like what i'm doing. i don't like coming home sometimes. today wasn't bad. my mom went in to have a port put into her back. she might be there for the night. i cleaned my room. we ate. just have to bathe and go to bed. exciting.

now, where's that balloon?
our existence deforms the universe
10:45am 05/05/2005
  i dont like me i dont like fleas i dont like bees i dont like keys i dont hearts i dont like locks i dont like aparts i dont like promises i dont like maids i dont like dark i dont like fades i dont like tears i dont like fears i dont like tea i dont like me.  
our existence deforms the universe
02:50pm 22/02/2005
  i feel like nothing will ever turn around. maybe, i fear it.

i have to deal with my problems, but the lack of being able to help others makes it hard and i've been through so many hard times.

maybe i should try the zoloft again today.

i dunno. i just wanna be there for him. that's all. but, i know it's not what he wants.

ugh. i love you guys sooo much.
our existence deforms the universe
failed connection: retry   
08:42pm 07/02/2005
  this thing in my hand
can connect
but, i fear
i'm not nearly enough
that i'm merely just near
and, i'm too far away to be
too close inside, and
to run while i'm seeking
we'd hide while love cries
when i want it to melt me
to complete me
defeat me
i ask you, hold onto me now
before now becomes then
and then, there's no how

looking to the walls
each of the walls
around each of us strong
seeing into nothingness
nothing, at all

and then, there's no now
no now to know how
to connect

not nearly enough
merely just here
our existence deforms the universe
05:49am 27/12/2004
mood: lonely
and i died and i died and i died again.
these feelings arise
and die in the wind
with the words
with no words
nothing, but the memory
of what it was
to what it's become
no choice
to be happy
or sad
so, i am both
in all sorts of ways
like hiding as much as i can
beneath regenerative wings
that could torture
or, bring me everything
our existence deforms the universe
dear santa,   
11:04am 21/12/2004
mood: gloomy
all i want for xmas is to be happy... all of the time. is that just too much, santa? can't you make that? isn't there a dust for it? maybe, you don't have it... but, i'm sure a faerie could give you good bargain for some. that, and a balloon shaped fish that flies all of my own... not a fish shaped balloon for only myself. there's a difference. i want the fish alive and glorious to take him on his multi-colored fantastic string for a walk in the rain.

really. is that too much?

from: me

ps: if none of that is possible, please just give me the time to spend with my friends, the strenth to help them and the means for the endeavor. thanks a lot.
our existence deforms the universe
04:01am 12/12/2004
  it's like i'm playing let's see how many posts i can make in a nite while drinking southern comfort and cherry juice with cherries...

my dad just walked in and said, "what are you doing still awake?" i'm all, "well, i can't sleep." durr.

life can seem so simple it's just complicated when i think about it. all the circles leading back to the same conclusions, so far. all the beginnings ending and then, starting over again. when will it be final? will i ever settle?

i'm hoping to find the answer to the4se questions real soon. like before 30.

i'm fucking 28. i thought i'd be dead by 18, then it didn't happen and then i thought, ok, 21. that didn't happen and now, i'm almost afraid i'll live 'til 81'ish like the fortune teller said. if i remember correctly, talicia's was 80 which pretty much makes us dying in the same year.

kinda weird. i guess we'll just have to wait and see about that one. she also told me i'd meet the man i'd marry within 2 weeks and that was halloween'ish 2003. unless i just totally let him pass me by(also a pharside song), it didn't happen. not to mention the marrying thing that won't happen again anyway. now, living with someone and sharing a partnership that needs no paper or religion to condone it, that may happen. or, a roomate that i love dearly.

so, i should stop the randomness of this babbling and just look for new icons or something. possibly take a tylenol pm or 5 and get some rest. i have to go a nephew's bday party tomorrow. fun, fun, fun. i have 12 neices and nephews, christopher and one more on the way. amy's having a c-section on dec 28th which happens to be my fav cousin, hank's, bday. i should call him this year. it's been forever since we've hung out. for his wedding reception, me, his wife and him took off in his pick up truck for about 1 hour and smoked the herb and talked about how we used to steal beers and cigarettes and go up to the treehouse on the farm and giggle til we (possibly just me) pissed on ourselves. also, how he didn't think i did drugs since i was all preppy-like. i swear, he was funniest person to me from 5-about 13. we'd stay up all night laughing. eventually, our parents just had to stop fussing and close the door to the room and let us be until we laughed so hard we couldn't breath right anymore and had to sleep. last time i saw him, we were doing lines, but we didn't have much time to catch up. that was 2001.

i don't keep in touch so well. :( it's sad, but really true.
our existence deforms the universe
10:48am 30/11/2004
mood: hot
seriously, you'd i didn't notice the things i say that make him go away.

i really have a problem sleeping. i don't think i would if someone were around me. my dad opened my door at about 7 and asked if i was going to get christopher's clothes. i was sitting and i had already done the clothes thing, but i looked at the clock and got all weirded out and thought it was 7pm. then i remembered i put the clothes out the night before. i also had a little fever last night that doesn't seem to be connected to anything and i feel kinda hot still. i hope i sleep later or just don't...

i'm posting both journals for now.
our existence deforms the universe